Since then we have been trying to be friends and in doing so have bounced between friends and friends+. About 6 months ago she got pregnant and had an abortion. Around the same time she was assaulted by someone in her life (a family member) and is dealing, in general, with a childhood of physical and emotional abuse. In the last 4 months she has started to threaten to kill her sel, often saying things like "if you do not quiet your job I will kill my self (since I just accepted a job that requires me to move far away from her)" or "if you do not give away your dog I will kill myself." Two weeks ago she tried to, taking a bunch of pills, caling me to tell me its my fault that she wants to die. I called her friend and we came over, took her to the hospital and spent four days hanging around her doing fun stuff (swimming, biking, movies, etc).
To move around a bit, for the last 6-8 months whenever she gets angry (which can be over something serious or just over the fact that I said "Wrong") she flies into these rage filled spaces where she will scream and jump around and lash out and punches me in the chest, grabs my arms, throws things at me, and recently has started to try to choke me. In the end she always blames me for starting the fights, and while yelling and hitting me, requires me to "take blame for doing this" and if I say "please stop, you are abusing me." She will hit me and scream and cry until I "take it back" and say that its my fault and she is doing nothing wrong.
A few nights ago, when in a rage filled space, she grabbed me by the throat and threatened to kill me. Today, she started hitting me again and I freaked out, said I need to go, she blocked the door, and I pushed her out of the way (knocking her down and hurting her arm). She claimed that I was being abusive to her and that I am a horrible person. This is the first time I have every done anything like this, and though I might respond to her yelling with insults and the like, this is the first time I have ever touched her back (except I grabbed her arms once when she was trying to choke me). I have bruises on my arms, chest, and a bump on my head from her.
I feel horrible though, since I am like 220lbs and she is 105lbs. Also I know that she is going through a lot emotionally. I also know that she will not see a therapist and that I am the only person she considers a friend. I also know that she is suicidal and needs someone to be there for her. I am not sure I am that person though. I am just not sure I can handle this situation. Everytime it happens I end up hating her more and wanting to fight back more.
What can I do? What would people recommend? Help me!